Emotional Times

I've wanted to post some more personal and emotional stuff but have been struggling, either through fear or insecurity or writers block.
My friend Cliff has encouraged me and reading Serendipity's blog and the Hobbit's has also encouraged me-I really admire her openness.
And this week seems to be full of emotional outpouring especially in blogs.
My writers block has been hindering me but I managed to put some thought to paper so here it is.
Argh!
I am... I can't put it into words.
One thing I have learnt recently is that I can not express my true feelings clearly. Only in a very basic way eg. Sad Happy Angry, but not in detail, not clearly and not how I want. Even if it's just trying to express it for myself, so that I have a better understanding and/or can do something about it if necesary. I knew that I found it difficult expressing my feelings, but hadn't realised that I'd almost lost the ability entirely. That's what years of not being able to will do.
It's especially annoying as I'm usually known for being articulate.
In the past it was made very clear that I should really keep my feelings to myself especially the bad stuff. Either the adults in my life did not want to know or would question or disagree with what I said, or ignore me, or worse, lie to me. And I'm talking about dealing with serious feelings and issues, not trivial stuff.
Families really can F**** you up!
So I grew up feeling guilty for feeling bad and had no real concept of feeling good or what would make me feel good. And my family, other supposedly caring adults and the odd partner made sure that I stayed that way. It is only now that I have seperated myself from my family and other bad influences that I can finally hear the truth, and stop being scared.
Now I know that they were the weak ones, not me, they could not face or deal with difficult things, especially when they were responsible. And the only reason they said that I was the weak one was to cover up their frailties and keep me questioning myself, allowing them to get away with some awful behaviour.
I've come to believe that emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse. At least with open violence you can see it, as can others, it's easier in a way to do something about it (although far too often nothing is done). Also bruises and cuts heal themselves, it's far harder to heal emotional scars. However with emotional abuse firstly it can go on without you realising it, and it can be harder to prove and usually nothing is done about it, it is left for the victim to pick up the peices, often alone, with no justice. The emotional abuse is often the prerequisite for the physical stuff, you have to beat down a persons confidence and self esteem, self worth before you can get away with assaulting them.
It's so important to surround yourself with decent, honest caring people. I am very lucky in that I have some trully wonderful friends who have not only helped me through the hard times but on occasion saved my life.
Opening yourself up is scary, especially the personal and emotional stuff. You're vulnerable, vulnerable to being taken advantage of. When I read other peoples emotional outpourings I am pleased that they shared it and impressed with their strength and honesty, and anyone who is negative or tries to take advantage is just weak and pathetic, so I guess I should shut up and get on with it!
Cliff sais to just write, just put it out there, I know he's right, but puting it into practice is hard.
Actually just righting this is helping, I'm pursueding myself! There's progress!
Maybe I'll open the flood gates. I kinda hope so. As much as I want to just blurt it all out, expunge all that bad stuff that still tortures and poisens my mind, I get blocked, stuck, mute!
But this is definately a start.